The Space I Was Afraid To Take

I have spent more time than I would like to admit making my needs less than to make others comfortable. For a long time, I convinced myself that being a good person meant being "easy".

Easy to work with

Easy to love

Easy to accommodate

Easy to talk to

I did not realize that every time I made myself easier for someone else, I was slowly making myself smaller.

I was not prepared for the mental work it would take to acknowledge multiple truths simultaneously.

I do not have to accept feedback from people who have not earned my trust.

I do not have to change my emotions to make someone else comfortable.

I can accept someone else's truth without changing own.

I can set an expectation and hold others accountable to meeting those expectations with kindness.

This realization began when I recognized I could not expect others to do this for me when I was not doing it for myself. I had been stuck in survival mode for so long that I was constantly preparing for the worst in the future instead of investing in my present self. I would feel guilt for doing things for myself that I enjoyed because I was not directing that energy towards my future plans.

Working in hospice, I have a deep understanding that life is short. I understand opportunities come and go and that what's meant for you will find you. I have also experienced loss and that everything you have worked for can disappear in a second. Awareness has never been my issue, acceptance is.

Accepting that the timing I would prefer does not always play out. Accepting that no amount of preparation is going to stop life from happening. Accepting that I do not have to earn loving myself or taking up space.

I am very proud of the person, wife, leader, sister and friend that I have become - I struggle to make her feel valued. As a high achiever I find myself falling into the habit of tying my happiness to accomplishments. I value hard work and do not think that you are owed anything, but there is a danger in tying your happiness to accomplishments. The danger is that you find yourself in a race that never ends. A race against yourself - and that is exhausting because you cannot outrun her.

This perspective shift happened when I made the decision to invest in creating a garden. Before I moved to Arizona, I had a green thumb and loved gardening. I created a beautiful garden back in Indiana that I spent every morning in. I used this garden as a coping mechanism during the pandemic and while in an abusive relationship. (It still hurts me to acknowledge this truth). I chose to leave that relationship and move across the country, and I thought disassociating from that reality was my only coping mechanism.

I am happy to say five years later, I have healed parts of myself to even acknowledge that truth. Planning and buying the materials for the garden brought me a happiness I had not felt for a few months due to neglecting myself for my job. I was not prepared for the anxiety and grief that would creep in when I realized I was living a life I once loved and was getting another opportunity to live it again.

I experienced a fear of loss, that once I experienced happiness and comfort it would disappear. This fear began manifesting in other aspects of my life and left me feeling exhausted and unsettled. I did not realize healing could coexist with the fear of losing something you love. I did not realize I was depriving myself of happiness because I was too scared to lose. Loss has been the only constant in my life, and it can breed feelings of resentment, comparison and deep pain.

Initially I felt so defeated. I thought I had overcome this. I took a step back and realized neglect was my perceived solution and that hurt my inner child deeply. You read stories of these overnight success stories. People investing everything they had into a business opportunity and those people will tell you that is what streamlined and expedited their success.

My truth is that I did invest everything into what I thought was success and I lost myself. I am not willing to risk that - so what is my alternative since I have this intense drive to be successful?

I am choosing to lean into vulnerability, to stand in my truth, to share my story in hopes I connect with others that resonate with my reality. You can have success and not lose yourself. You can take up space and stand in your truth despite what the world is showing you. The journey is not short, there are no short cuts, no streamlined processes.

Success is a lifelong learning curve that evolves with your growth. It is a linear progression; it ebbs and flows and it is determined by your resilience and ability to accept what is. This version of success seems sustainable and holistic and I will continue to document this journey.

x.o

Em